


Compulsion

by NerdyChick321



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, idk why i like Hux to have such a bad time, in which Kylo Ren actually has his shit together, seriously this is just disgustingly gratuitous
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-12
Updated: 2016-07-12
Packaged: 2018-07-23 13:34:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7465362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NerdyChick321/pseuds/NerdyChick321
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hux has major anxiety issues and OCD. He's usually fine but every now and then he can spiral out of control. Thankfully, in the years they've been together, Kylo has gotten very good at grounding Hux and keeping him held together. Oneshot in which Kylo is away for a week, Hux goes off the deep end, and Kylo returns to find his boyfriend in pieces and must put him back together again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Compulsion

**Author's Note:**

> Kylo and Hux are both graduate students. Kylo is studying art history and Hux is an aerospace engineering major. The excerpts he's studying were painstakingly cobbled together from online textbooks and Wikipedia I wanted it to sound legit. Hux's specific manifestations of his mental health disorders are lifted from my own experiences.

“Consider numerical solutions to the one-dimensional diffusion equation where  _ V _ is a positive constant. Specifically, consider a forward Euler time integration and a 2nd-order centered-difference approximation in space. Perform a semi-discrete Fourier analysis of this discretization and determine the eigenvalues.” Hux blinks at the confusing jumble of numbers and letters and symbols that dance before his fatigued green eyes. He pauses, willing his brain to sort and order everything into its rightful place. He knows these equations. He  _ knows _ he knows them, they just won’t cooperate and he can’t focus and it's so frustrating. All the other things that buzz about his head, vying for his attention aren’t helping his focus. The noise becomes too much to endure. Muttering a curse, Hux throws his pencil on the desk and makes it halfway to the kitchen before, like an itch under the skin, the knowledge that the pencil is askew becomes unbearable. Turning on his heel, he goes back to his desk. He spends too long making sure the pencil is precisely parallel to the spine of his  _ Computational Methods in Aerospace Engineering  _ textbook and exactly equidistant from the pen and the calculator. 

“Perform a semi-discrete Fourier analysis of this discretization-” Hux repeats the problem aloud, still standing, before he remembers the reason he’d gotten up in the first place was to reorganize the fridge. Back to the kitchen.  _ One, two, three, four… _ Hux automatically counts the steps as he goes. He hates this. 

 

An hour later and the perfectly ordered contents of the fridge have been rearranged, sorted alphabetically this time, and the immaculate kitchen has been scrubbed thoroughly. Before he’s even finished these tasks, Hux’s brain has shifted back to his homework and he picks up the pace, anxiety climbing his throat at the thought of the time wasted on anything other than studying for his last final exam. Rubbing bleary, red-rimmed eyes, Hux sits back at the desk, staring down at the equations that still won’t cooperate. He picks up his pencil, careful not to jostle any of the meticulously arrayed items on his desk. 

“Specifically, consider a forward Euler time integration and a 2nd-order centered-difference approximation in space.” All Hux can do is repeat the sentence over and over, stuck in a loop until it starts to make sense. He counts the words in the sentence. Same number as the last time he counted it. Finally the symbols begin to cooperate with his brain. His pencil scratches hurriedly over paper, ignoring the calculator in favor of doing the math in his head. He falters. He’s lost track of where he is in the equation, distracted by an errant thought of some potential disorder in the pristine apartment. Hux sets his mouth in a grim line and presses on, determined not to let it take hold, to ignore it. Foot tapping out an anxious, staccato beat on the wood floor, he tries to start over. He can’t get any traction though, his brain refusing to cooperate as it instead fixates stubbornly on the living room. He’d straightened up in there mere hours ago - or was it days? - it couldn’t possibly need attention, but he knew from bitter experience the prickling sensation in the back of his head wouldn't stop until he checked to be sure everything was perfect. 

“Fuck.” Hux’s head fell into his arms on top of his massive textbook. He was so tired. The longer he sits still though, the louder the din in his head becomes until it forces him to jump to his feet, full of nervous energy. This time he puts his pencil exactly where it belongs before turning to the living room. 

Hux is refolding the blanket that lives on the arm of the couch for the third time, the need for it to be absolutely perfect compulsive. He wants to cry, considers giving in, but that urge is quickly staved off by a rising panic at the thought of the time that would waste. Hux didn’t have time to cry. He didn’t have time to fold this blanket a fourth time but he could  _ not _ just leave it. The knowledge that it was in here, potentially imperfectly folded, would eat him alive, drive him to madness. Hux pauses. Drive him to madness. As if he wasn’t already completely fucking insane. He feels helpless, stuck here for eternity folding and refolding a blanket because one edge won’t cooperate, slowly drowning in his own anxiety because  _ he does not have time for this.  _ He desperately needs to get back to studying or he will fail this final yet he can’t sit still for more than five minutes before his traitorous brain comes up with something new to fixate on. He knows the kitchen is clean. He knows the living room is tidy. He just can’t shake the nagging obsession that  _ what if it's not? _ Hux wants to cry even more than before, the panic stopping him a second time. 

He finally sets the blanket down, fists balling tightly as he blinks back tears and hurries to his desk. His throat and chest are squeezed tightly in an invisible vice. A tiny voice, barely audible over the cacophony of his thoughts, wonders if he remembered to take his meds this morning. It is stamped out at once by interruption from a much louder concern that rips Hux rudely away from his homework once more. _What if you left the light on in your closet? What if the wiring malfunctions and something catches on fire? What if the smoke detector isn’t working?_ _What if the entire place burns down?_ Hux fights it valiantly but it's a losing battle. He dejectedly goes to check on a light he knows he turned off to prevent a disaster he knows is highly improbable. _But what if it's not?_

  
  


Kylo juggles his bags around, freeing up a hand to unlock the apartment door. He takes pains to be quiet, easing his large frame, made even bulkier by the abundance of luggage, through the door. He sets his bags down in the hall, eager to abandon them and hurry towards the light pouring through the doorway of the second-bedroom-turned-office. 

“I’d hoped you would be asleep by now but I'm not surprised you’re still up.” Kylo said by way of greeting, leaning against the doorframe and grinning at Hux. Hux is staring at the textbooks and neatly penned notes splayed out in ordered chaos around him. 

“Huh? What time is it?” Hux looks up, a profound confusion on his face as though he’s been woken from a disorientingly deep sleep. Kylo’s smile weakens. He’s seen this look before. He takes in Hux’s disheveled orange hair, dark circles under reddened eyes, and the blend of exhaustion and barely controlled panic on his face. 

“Hux, when was the last time you slept?” Kylo asks gently, straightening in the doorway. Kylo could kick himself for not realizing straight away something was wrong when Hux didn’t respond to his texts as soon as he’d gotten Stateside. Hux, riddled with anxiety and often paranoia who always called or texted at least once to check in, had been radio silent even though Kylo’s flight had landed hours ago. And this after not being able to communicate with each other for a full week.

“I...I don't know. What day is it?” Hux asks in a dull monotone that makes the pit in Kylo’s stomach sink lower. That answers his question well enough. 

“It's Thursday. Three AM.” 

“Oh.” Surprise washes mildly over Hux’s face. He sounds a little hoarse. “I, uh, I still don't know.” His fingers fidget with the hem of his tshirt. 

“Fuck. Hux.” Kylo passes a hand over his own tired face, not even coming close to the exhaustion portrayed by Hux’s entire body however. 

“I’m sorry.” Hux’s voice has fallen into a weak whisper as he crumbles in on himself like a dying star. Kylo is crouched in front of his chair in two long strides. 

“It's not your fault, it's okay. I’m not angry.” Kylo reassures and soothes, taking Hux’s hands in his own. They’re reddened, dry and rough. “You’ve gotta wear gloves when you clean with bleach, baby.” Kylo tries to keep the distress out of his voice, but it's hard when his heart aches so. He runs his thumbs over the back of Hux’s hands. Hux just nods, eyes squeezed tightly shut. 

“I’ll be right back.” Kylo kisses the back of each hand before getting up. A quick glance around the office and the living room reveal exactly what he expected to find: ruthless order and pure perfection, not so much as a grain of dust where it shouldn't be. Similarly, the kitchen could double as an operating room in a pinch, the level of cleanliness rising to near sterility. 

Kylo goes to the medicine cabinet first. He takes out the pill box with its neat compartments labeled by day. Hux had resisted when Kylo first got it for him, insisting he wasn’t  _ that _ bad at remembering to take his meds. Eventually he gave in, begrudgingly allowing Kylo to happily fill up the little boxes for him at the beginning of every week. Evidently it  _ was  _ needed. Hux was three days behind. Kylo dumps a set of the pills into his hand and moves on to the fridge. Although the organization is different than when he left it (now alphabetized instead of sorted by color), Kylo can still tell that almost none of the food he cooked and left for his boyfriend has been touched. Kylo’s gut twists at the thought of Hux slowly unraveling by himself in their apartment, losing track of time, forgetting to eat, not sleeping, missing his meds, and endlessly cleaning their spotless home while completely neglecting his own care. Kylo closes the fridge and leans his forehead against it. The end-of-semester exams were always a particularly hard time for Hux. He knew it had been a bad time to leave him but the Italy trip had been mandatory for his Art History class and Hux had been doing really well. He hadn’t had an episode like this in months and even then it had been short-lived. Kylo resolves to get the international cell phone plan next time, no matter what it costs. Maybe Hux would do better with him checking in, even just briefly. 

Kylo takes a deep breath in and exhales slowly after holding it for a few seconds. No time for reflecting now, he has something more important to attend to. Kylo pours a glass of water and grabs some crackers and returns to Hux. The pristine and orderly apartment stands in sharp contrast to Hux, disheveled and broken, fraying apart at the seams. 

“Here, eat a few of these crackers at least so you can take your meds. Please.” Kylo opens the package for him. It would be ideal if Hux would eat a full meal but Kylo knows that’s an unrealistic expectation for Hux’s current state and would likely only make things worse.

“Ok.” Hux tears his eyes away from his textbook and accepts the offered cracker, tapping his pencil anxiously on the table. He was so worked up he was practically twitching. A few minutes of silence pass while Hux unenthusiastically nibbles the cracker. “I’m going to fail this final, Kylo, I need to study. I don’t have time.” Kylo can see the panic rising as Hux tries to turn away from him, ignoring his offerings of water and further crackers. 

“Hux, please, listen to me for just a minute, ok?” Kylo’s heart hammers in his chest as he remains outwardly calm. He’s afraid he won’t be able to pull Hux back from the brink. Kylo hands him another cracker as he talks. Thankfully Hux seems to be listening. “You’re having trouble studying, right? Can’t focus? You’re exhausted, your brain is working overtime...beyond overtime. You need to take a break. If you keep trying to study now, it’ll just keep getting worse and you won’t get anywhere. Take a break. You’ll come back to studying refreshed and actually be able to focus. It’s the most efficient way to use the time you have left before the test.” Kylo knows this last bit will appeal to Hux. His only hope is to use Hux’s sometimes detrimentally strict preoccupation with efficiency to break him out of the vicious clutches of his manic episode.

“I guess.” The struggle is painted openly on Hux’s face. Kylo nudges the pills and glass of water towards Hux. 

“You’ll feel better, I promise.” Kylo takes one of Hux’s hands in his own and gives a reassuring squeeze. Hux stares at the pills for a beat. Kylo swears he actually twitches from pent-up anxiety. Long, slender fingers methodically sort the pills into a neat row, organized by height. Kylo patiently watches Hux’s lips move, swiftly counting the pills under his breath before popping them in his mouth and chasing them with a gulp of water. A slight flush colors his pale cheeks and ears. No matter how many times Kylo has told him he doesn’t care, Hux is still embarrassed by his compulsive routines when he’s too out of control to hide them. 

“Come on, let's go take a shower.” Kylo says after waiting for Hux to finish the glass of water. He tugs gently on Hux’s hands, pulling his boyfriend to his feet. Hux says nothing but allows himself to be led into the large master bathroom. 

“I really should be studying.” Hux’s voice has a stressed pitch to it but he makes no move to leave, tiredly pulling his tshirt off over his head. Kylo makes a noncommittal hummed noise in response, turning the water on. Kylo turns around. Hux is standing at the bathroom counter painstakingly folding the clothes he’s removed. 

“Just put them in the hamper, you can get clean ones after.” Kylo prompts gently when Hux is still not satisfied after the third refold. 

“I know, I just...I can’t.” Hux makes a frustrated noise, hands fisting in the fabric. 

“Let me.” Kylo reaches for the clothes when Hux doesn’t protest. He lets Kylo take the clothes away, tucking his trembling hands under his arms. 

Hux is already in the shower, standing directly under the stream of hot water with his back towards Kylo, when he joins him. Kylo notes sorrowfully the dejected slump of Hux’s narrow shoulders as he reaches out to pull Hux into him. Hux goes willingly, much of the nervous energy drained out of him already. Kylo doesn’t much care for the deep depression that replaces it either but he finds it easier to work with: Hux more likely to sit glumly and do what Kylo asks than to buzz around the apartment frantically cleaning and organizing. At least this way he can get Hux to rest and eat and take his meds until he’s back to his normal self. Holding Hux tightly in his arms as he is, Kylo can feel the telltale tremor that starts in his shoulders, the way his breaths become uneven and stilted. 

“Hux…” Kylo’s lips graze the back of his neck in a soft kiss. Hux whirls around almost immediately. It's suddenly all too much and Hux is sobbing, his face buried in Kylo’s chest and his arms clinging tightly around Kylo’s waist as if Hux will fall to his death if he lets go. Surprised only for a brief moment, Kylo quickly recovers and holds Hux securely, rubbing his back and smoothing his wet hair. Kylo murmurs soothing words, pressing endless light kisses into Hux’s hair, his temples, his forehead, the tips of his ears, anywhere Kylo can reach. His heart breaks with each despairing sob that wracks Hux’s thin frame. Finally, Hux’s tears start to subside and he begins to catch his breath in long, shaky gasps. He makes no move to release his grip on Kylo, keeping his head planted firmly on the other man’s chest. Kylo is content to keep him there, humming the tune to some song he can’t recall the lyrics to but it was soft and sweet and he remembered thinking of Hux when he’d heard it. 

Kylo busies himself by shampooing Hux’s hair for him, admiring the copper strands he loves so much, before washing his own. He keeps a careful eye on Hux when he eventually quits holding on to Kylo. Hux looks so drained Kylo fears he might just topple over at any moment as he hurries to finish washing them both. 

“Come lay down.” Kylo pleads once they’re both dried off and he’s stepping into red plaid pajama pants. “Even if it's just for a little. You need rest.” He tries not to sound as desperate as he feels. Hux nods heavily, emerging from the closet in his underwear and one of Kylo’s tshirts. It's too big on him and slips off his shoulder. 

“May as well.” Hux says, letting himself collapse onto their bed. “I’m going to fail anyway so what’s even the point.” 

“You’re not going to fail.” The mattress creaks under Kylo’s weight as he tucks them both in. He gathers Hux up into his arms almost greedily, as if determined to cover every inch of Hux with his own body, shielding him from the world. If only it was the world Hux needed shielding from. 

“How do you know?” Hux replies sullenly. Kylo can just barely hear Hux’s counting under his breath, feather light touches ghosting over Kylo’s chest and arms as he tallies up the several dark freckles scattered across his skin. Hux had once said they reminded him of constellations. Kylo holds onto him even more snugly, hooking his leg behind Hux’s knees to pull him even closer.

“I know because you’re absolutely brilliant. Seriously, you’re so smart I can’t even wrap my head around it. Your professor can’t come up with any test question you can’t figure out once you’ve had a good night’s sleep. You amaze me.” Kylo continues to speak words of encouragement and praises into Hux’s soft, still-damp hair: whispered words of Hux’s astounding genius, how handsome he is, the intensity with which Kylo loves him. 

“I missed you so much.” Kylo kisses his forehead. 

“I missed you too.” Hux is fading fast. His words are mumbled into Kylo’s shoulder. Kylo rubs small circles between Hux’s shoulder blades. His breaths even out, becoming deep and regular against Kylo’s neck. Kylo keeps talking until he’s positive Hux is sound asleep, never running out of material as he covers all the various reasons he adores him. With one final kiss, Kylo finishes his profession of endless love and it is a matter of minutes before he too is sound asleep, still wrapped protectively around his boyfriend and ready to ward off anything that might threaten to disturb him. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed! I'd love to hear from you! Please leave a review or come find me on Tumblr: time-to-boldly-go


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